The Puncture In Her

few things make me move these days

few things make my world rattle, makes it heave
very little things even matter


at least not too long ago, some bastard gave a crap, its even pathetic now that not one single jackass gives a holly ass shyte. there, who says you can't have that much swearing in one sentence.

tired is when the body feels like a punching bag, beaten all over. weary is when the body feels like purging every drop of caffeine drank under the influence of undone assignments. enough is when nights are meant for preparing speeches on euthanasia, morning comes and you try to make sense of that 5 pages long of justification on the nonsensical practice of mercy killing , afternoon knocks and it's time to dig up some brainy ass clever answers on exchange rate, and it's midnight again, and it's back to square one. it's back to squeezing that minuscule brain of yours on the suitability of the linear regression technique.

in between is the time of torture. the after hours is when the aftermath takes its course. exactly when you feel like all hell have break loose. so you go on screaming in your head, at decibels so high, your vein dilates and eventually raptures. exhausted. and all you ever wanted, all you ever crave is one good dream, one decent sleep. an imaginary world where you try to make belief of all things far fetched, so you hang on to that last grip, so tight, that maybe you wouldn't fall out of grace (again).

the silent therapy is when you first let that tough slap across the face cools away. the quite epiphany is when you make peace with the mistakes you thought would do justice for all the things you've done wrong, a retribution for the times you thought life is all about the wrongs that you ought to make at the right time. the psycho escapist period is when you poke through all your exam sheets, you make multiple attempt of killing your snugly pillow , you try to treat nescafe like it was John Barleycorn also that time when you go on a hiatus and resort to hookah.

the act of ceding is when you deliberately ask the rhetorical question , why-oh-why. relinquishing is when he tells you "tomorrow you'll fail to fail" and it turns out to be a complete bogus, the sympathetic lie you wish nobody would ever tell. giving up is when you seat on your chair and thought- that's enough, c'est la vie. c'est la vie. and life's' a bitch. giving up is when you gave it all, you swore you gave everything and still got back a handful of crap.

putting up a block dead face is when you're almost rolled out eyeballs fells like sinking in tears. exiting the class in blisters of shame. escaping the heavy air that chokes your right around the neck. bringing the world to silence is when you simply shuts off and remain hollow, untouchable by all remarks.gliding through the crowd is when you try to be invisible, because they've had the pieces all wrong. failure is my middle name. it's always there. now maybe just more commonly addressed than before.

i want a stranger, completely orthogonal. i want a stranger to show me all the new places. i want a stranger that would excite me with all the new experiences. i want a stranger to shake my world. to make me do somersaults again.

haha, saya nak mati. kadang kadang walaupun hanya expression, it insinuates the real situation.

The Expiry Date

" bing. candler bing- because I was obsessed with Chandler's sarcasm"

in loving memories of Bing

we shall now say a prayer for Bing
Bing left me and the roomie on 19th April 09, at the age of 2 months and 3 days,

Bing arrived on the 16th, a small token from Sue, for my birthday. Bing came along with Phoebe , but Phoebe died two days after. Bing pooped before he died, I watched it in slow mo and it hit me, fishes do poo. It was one of those "national geographic" moment. I sat and watched slowly as his body turned over and floated. And then it ended. It was a tid bit disappointing. He was fun to watch in the morning. He was fun to watch after classes in the evening. He was fun to say goodnight to. Bye Bing. Go to Phoebe now, she misses you.

The Physics Of Us

"Cliche becomes a cliche for a reason, because they work"- Mcreamy

i am unscathed. like phi, 2.374, i am a constant. radius square me, i am still a constant
you are unscathed. like induced e.m.f, you exist with the principle of change over time
then it all make sense. it must make sense

e.m.f = - B ( phi radius square)/ time
you = - Bullshyte ( me) / time

the physics of us, we give it a good equation. Faraday gave us an equation.
exponentially, we decay over time.
so we go unscathed.
it's just physics.

The Killer

" it's quiet again, i can listen to that voice in my head again- hey mate, its about time!"

story :

stupid fuck. a serial killer on execution.they let him choose, they let william choose.william killed a woman on a monday morning because he felt like it, slit another two by the neck on tuesday because the first wasn't enough. william head out for another three on wednesday because the high was beyond measure. he liked the number sequence it made. had his hands cuffed on that same wednesday.derick " the pretty hair" had william's skull removed.he is god on his op table. william's brain is now exposed, he bangs hard on the rail of that white bed. bled. a fiesta of haemorrhage. all because coward has the guts of a five year old. william smells lemons on his death bed, so his father wasn't lying after all. the death was a silent occasion. fast.disgracing.pitiful.and meredith, mer cannot stop crying i cannot watch meredith. she's extra baggage, poor derrick. poor pretty head.

monologue:
she cannot stop crying still and i, damn it, i am extra baggage just like her i hate that my eyes, they get teary like a stupid fuck . where can i get a derick? i demand for a derick. name a price, i want a pretty head that brings coffee in the morning. delicate surgeon hands is a plus.

soliloquy:
i judge, and so do you.like every other hypocritical whiner that ever trudge this land. its in the system, in the mechanics of a living human. synthesize it, let it sink. but you, and me. we don't get to punish. ( physically/verbally/ nods/ twitches/ facial expressions/ awkward poses/ body gestures/ eye contacts). we don't get to play "HIM".


that's it we are all going to burn in hell. it's going to be hot.real temperature rising just like what sean paul said.

.ngerh.

The Farcical Clown

'lets get ultraman gaia now,(they) need saving"

maybe it gets pretty interesting if you decide to write like a bastard carrying a basket full of emo shit, and it gets funny to think that you are more emotionally deranged than Meredith Grey is, that really your company and the world that fits you is tainted mono chromatically, that every inch of you have torn like paper mash, like every fiber of your being when tacked up together draws a sinister figure and that you are that sole person that says i have an interchangeable trains of thoughts, i don't think, i do and i do it without reason, i do it and i don't need a reason. and that concludes the idea of you , the way you want to be portrayed or at least remembered by and you scream to the world that you are born cynical, and sarcasm is the caffeine; the miracle that keeps you ticking. in the end, you win anyhow, you are eccentric now, you will wear that crown, i would laugh real hard, i would laugh (at you) so hard i'd chocked and i will clap for you.

it's not a negation, because to be frank, i enjoy the long yammer and twisted approximation on the severity of things. i would know, it's a phase, and we will all get pass it someday. that i am not so different, so no need for anxiety attacks, go on fabricate, entertain me.its not even tangible. so yeah why not, let's see how things would fair in the tangible world.

high school was yesteryear, so you should have acted the drama when you were in one.
everyone is so funny this days. lets give it a toast shall we.

* he - (any he with an ego of a monster would do) was right yet again because we woman have a truck load of emotion running down our spines. i wish i wish i was a boy on casual days - cold.stupid.shits all day long.lepak je. still, cheers to the other half of the woman of the world, the less hormonal ones.

we, we are all insignificant. face it, you, me , all the lizzies, the roberts, the jaihoos, the maheshs of the world.. we are so very puny and tiny. maybe that's why we create something so huge , so boringly huge, so we would matter, so maybe we would become significant. but really we aren't. wake up, knock you head once, then hit it harder again.

ciao

The Never Blooming

" i reckon The Perishers, are being literal "

lighting struck, now its silent and dark
like to try to light a candle
but for that I'd need a spark
now its cold on my side of the bed
partly here, partly gone
our luck changed,i don't know why
don't know when, i wonder where we would end up
i know we'll grow,
but
........................................

then comes the part i'd defy. all too often of a time. too wrecked of an ending - far too good of a tune. its sinful, its crime.it'll sink in someday.eventually digestible. it was never a choice, not on me.so until that someday, suan le, let me be .it's easier this way

the epiphany song
*
dweeb

.

Sixsidessixshades

"6colours 6sides- it ain't rocket science"

yesterday, at solaris, i helped a stranger, probably even made his day. i should say he is quite a cheerleader.

yesterday, this stranger bought a rubic's cube, he sat by the balcony, and i watched for a while, then resume doing what i do best - window shop.half an hour or so, this stranger was still at it, poor dude i thought. perched on that balcony with the rain and all. so i helped. he cheered ( a lot) made many whooooahh, oohh, fuahh, ohmygod!. then i was done. i am no einstein- i am a malaysian student, we memorize solutions don't we.he made me happy though, because for a while there i thought i was clever but truth be told i'm a C-INVERSE (in matrix language that's no, you're not clever) . thats it my saturday with a stranger.

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this rubic's cube. it's entertainment. id turn the sides up, pull the sides down. move it all around, then every turn folds open a story- so its a book really. all packed in six shades. and when im done, ill do it all over again. you would know why, you taught me how. :)
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ciao.

150309

" Bing will be one month old tomorrow, he isn't getting any bigger. poor stunted thing"

Can I be that person that rarely updates and leave everyone in a blue.

I want to be that person you'd think has a life to get back to, than busy spending her precious hours lamenting on trivial things that really is going to bore your socks off. maybe i'll be that person who doesn't update, so the the next time when we meet , you'll hug me tight, tell that you missed me so terribly and you would meant it. then, i'll be the happiest person alive knowing that someone actually cared, and if your lucky ill get you a candy .tadaa

nyeh, sorry folks, i have lost track of time, dates , birthdays, and thank god for alarms. if those things don't go on beeping at 7.00 everyday, or at 12 on birthdays, chances are ill be forgetting it all. these are the times i'd wish the hours go on slow mo. id wake up on a moday morning and the next thing you know its a friday afternoon. of course then you have the assignmnets in between, tests, assignmnets , tests, oh wait MORE assignmnets, speeches, projects, laundry, clothes to iron, laundry, - SHOPPING. tests again. wait wait, facebook. so there you go, the pathetic life cycle of a worm.

the documentary is FINALLY a rep. thanks to you-guys-know-who- you-folks-are. had a blast yay. had a blast tak tido. yay. had a blast almost getting into a crash yay. had a blast running out of caffein yay. had a blast ala czech (phbreeww) . thank you to alpha, delta and gamma, which translates into Skywalker, Fad Fad and Syireen, extra credits to skywalker for sparring me my life and figurng out soon enough how to use the wiper. id buy you folks mentos as my LITTE token of appreciation.

i would like to throw Lina Arina Rohzan a teddy virtual hug, so tight that she chokes. congratulations woman. hope yer happie with everything, everyone and maybe we'll fly red kites and sing spongebob theme song just as a small celebration.

to han lyn , if you're reading this " whooooaahahhh i'm giving you thumbs up all the way from malaysia, good choice, nice hair, good poses, nice rebound- GIRL POWER!!!! *kindly post up more pictures-i shall stalk you through facebook*

rae- woman!!!!! i miss penang and how's all the stpm stuff going??hows the spm results like this year, tv ada datang ka? killed any teachers yet, punctured any neurons already?? buzz ya when i get home yeah :P

arina kamil + fatimah khairi : you guys would know everything first hand. >.<

ma and bah if you are reading this,i'm doing just fine here, probably a little tired ( not little more like very) but you know that already. my grades are just okay. which is disappointing. but that is as much i can do, considering everything and my constant need to do laundry first than homeworks is ridiculous but i am at ease when my clothes smells good and folled up nicely. i'm coping alright, things are fine, i don't see any holidays ahead the closest is probably in June,which is light years away. you know what would be great? if i have my car here , please please please. please. please. i have solid reasons. can i go Bandung? is my passport dead? i have a new housemate, she's Jessica from china. no i don't think she cooks pork ma. and i keep getting headaches, panadol tinggal 6 bijik. i miss fruits and brocollis , apples are getting expensive. -____- can i still get a car.

to other nitwits : you guys have fun with your holidays, tell penang i said hi. cis, mana hadiah! buat lupa

je suis alle avec vous. parler comme au bon vieux temps

im happy having panda eyes and getting fuglified. hurrah.

Jackie.Is.Naive.

"gogol bordello is a name , not a tongue twister"

1. i am tired . the kind when you do 1000 push ups. but i don't do push ups. so i am lying
2. i am tired. the kind when you do jumping jacks. i do jumping jacks. so i am not lying.
3. my kidney is floating between my intestines.
4. no i wouldn't know that for a fact.
5. as sexy as otis redding's voice.
6. as true as manchester orchestra's music.
7. as sweet as damien's lullaby.
oh ha yes.. chemistry. then economics . then there are those other things.
8. no i'm not talking in riddles.
9. or am i?
10. decode. what the hell is decode. i am not a decoder. i cannot decode a file , let alone a person
11. he died young, but he wrote good tunes, but he sounded old. husky and old. just old, but sexy old.
12. hey mother fucker + bang bang +
in between these lines. you would not understand anything but you would (hopefully) sense that i am no longer sane. no not at 1232. no no.
13. does this really interest you
14. give up already?
15. pathologist. penologist. ross was neither of those, he was something else, that started with a penth- and had an -ist.
the second means - A person who studies the theory and practice of prison management. prison management?!
16. i shall be more observant and tell you soon enough.
17. bing. chandler bing have sexy hair. but only in the first season. phoebe's hair , its too seasonal. i don't understand. hmm.
18. sarah have sexy healthy hair. all three that i know (at least the ones that comes to mind)- 'chng, loh and sim.
nope not quite there yet. just a little more
19. i remembered something " there are many ways to bleed. you are my favourite"
20. wait i remember another " i am the moth, you made me feel that i have reached the moon"
.... zits. the one that sticks out between your eyes like ultraman gaia. ..zits- the one with the sarcasm, my hero.
21. thank you . hello.
22. leper. like pancake. leper like an asian face.
23. obtuse. remember?
24. what does this mean. it means it is parallel. graphically it is parallel. no intersection. just parallel.
25. * THIS HAS BEEN DELETED OUT FOR NO OBVIOUS REASON*
26. syireen says : your room is colour coordinated. tirai, pintu, bed. macam blend in tau"
27. now she is laughing in the back. and texting at the same time.
"Technically I can't tell cos Penang ppl never seem to stay together for very long "- oh so now its like that lah
28. i dont know why this is in itallic. i malas tukar.
29. oh russian is online now. hi russian.
30. sometimes material things makes me feel complete. its sick and wrong. but it works, because emotionally i am handicapped and empty.
31. no incubus this year. no mr. legend and coldplay is a tbc! TBC?! TBC! no sunbursting lah macam ini.
russian is offline. maybe its cold in moscow.
32. penang is hotter than kl or selangor, or maybe BU. i'm not kidding. maybe because penang is an island.
33. my hair turned brittle and ugly *uglier than it already was*
34. so i chopped it and realized.. it is now gone. no more rock star head banging .
i am incapable of being mature. i hate when maturity is use against me.
35. syireen is doing some re-enaction. about an insect she met last nite.
36. ok she is done now.
37. she is laughing. again.
. six sides. six colours. you're a genius if you solve it. maybe she didn't know they gave out solutions. poor thing.
38. he said it was green. but i noticed there were more yellow.
39. maybe he is colorblind. or maybe just blind. i think he is blinded by everything and everything blinds him.
40. do you know i cannot see with my right eye.
...like the dude in little miss sunshine..
41. i can never become a pilot.
42. like when the time he learns of his colour blindness... that's how i feel.
43. somebody over the other side goes by the name Tova Darling
44. hi Tova, or is it Darling?
there is something in the shelves back home. behind those empty boxes. i kept it there. and now i am thinking of it. i wouldn't remember this tomorrow.
45. i like 1, 2, 4, and 7
46. 13.
47.liam has a brother. his brother is getting married. kim has two sisters. i think one is getting married
this was from a year ago. exactly a year ago. Someone phoned me the other day trying to get in contact with you. I told them it'd been a while since I'd last seen you and I didn't have your number anymore. They miss you. They want to talk. You should phone them.
48. it skipped 16
49. my brunei housemate is gone. i don't know where she is. she took the toilet mat with her. the floor is going to get wet again.
50. so that's convenient now that we don't have a mop. because it was hers too.
..feeling of prickled skin. This is where I push the headphones closer. This is where I tell you what I think.This is where....
51. i did that on purpose
52. so you can be clueless. like i was/am/going to be.
53. APC falls and APS increases when Y increase. why? BECAUSE god damn J.M KEYNES said so. - he assumed. he assumed wrong. i tested it on myself.
yellow
54. i asked what is J.M. she blurted a name.
55. i have a hearing problem. no thanks to my headphones. so i thought - oklah John Mayer
56. like john mayer keynes the economist . john mayer keynes and the keynesian thoery. like john mayer without the keynes and his slow dancing in the burning room (track 8 - i put it on rewind)
57. track 9 started with.. "anger"- a oover of a hendrix tune. jimmy hendrix.
58. track 2. + 13.
i would stop now but its only been two hours.
59. velvet revolver, guns and roses : so do you see it.
60. tell me if you do, ill give you my imaginary friend, fabio.
flag my blog as inappropriate then shoot me.
61. halo everyone , it is 159
62. i stink.
63. rock me to sleep i have college tomorrow and physics.
64. i know the lyrics to the cny song. in chinese. i learned it in tadika
65. i told my brother when i was four, i can speak mandarin, because i know the lyrics to the song.
66. i was reading the lyrics without a tune. he laughed . pretty hard. i still remember it to this day.
67. i don't know how to pronounce onion in first gred.
68. i used to think that iron and onion is the same shit,
69. now i know onion is the one that makes you fart. iron is the one when you want to make a hole in your shirt.
my disk driver is impaired. i would want to service it. i wish that day comes quick. because hazman, i still have a stack of your dvds. i feel guilty.

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i hate when this happens. i often hate. so it often happens.

71. SEVENTYONE. is the age i want to celebrate my birthday to
72. i dont see any significance of having a mobile anymore. it dies on me, pisses me often. then dies again.
73. we called in a pizza hut in france once using skype. we called in someone in america once using skype, she picked up. it was so fun.
74. is when 148 is divided by two. is when i am feeling a little sleepy. is a a very handsome number.
" .. i practiced on the "o". but it came out ugly. it was supposed to be perfect. i am sorry you will look ugly in this"
"... i like the fact the "o" is like that. i like it imperfect. then i know you made it "
75. i think of gwen when i think of the word kawaii. it is a distorted image.
76. why not tuesday, friday, wednesday, monday then sunday.
76. no i rather saturday, saturday. saturday.
77. coppa cabbanna -fuck its stuck now

seventy seven is a good number . i'm stopping at good.

oh wait one more. the matron have sexy boobs. bosoms .
mr derrick asked : who did you thought of?
i said : pamela anderson, the one from baywatch

Mexican State on The Gulf of Campeche

like what?

like that lah